Why Rauru Just Doesn't Belong in an Elf Costume
by Kuroshi Li
Summary: What would happen if Rauru and Link switched? It's not good, I tell you that much. Poor, poor Navi...
1. And So We Begin...

iRauru and Link have switched places. Yes, that means Link is swimming in that large yellow robe, and Raury is in that cute green elven costume. Well, it was cute on Link anyways.  
  
This takes place in the Temple of Time, right before the young Rauru goes to take out his ocarina and open the door. Link looks like...well, Link, and Rauru is still fat and bald, only 7 years younger. Scary, huh?/i  
  
"Now, if I can just reach behind me and grab that ocarina..." muttered Rauru to himself. They just don't make green elf costumes like they used to. He twisted this way and that, attempting to reach into his bag to get the Ocarina of Time, then suddenly fell over on his back, tiny arms and legs flailing in the air. His fairy Navi was squashed under him, begging him to get off her.  
  
Meanwhile, Link cracked that big stone door open, watching for the boy that was supposed to take the sword from the block. When he saw Rauru stuck on the floor, he almost laughed. Ignoring the fact that the script said he wasn't supposed to enter for another scene, Link threw the script behind his back made an early entrance, standing over the fat, balding boy's head. His yellow robes hung loosly on him, falling around Raury's head.  
  
"A...little help...here..." puffed the stout monk boy.  
  
"Not until you tell me why you ate the kid that was in the script." said Link.  
  
"Huh? I don't know what you're talking about!"  
  
Link snapped his fingers, and a donut appeared in his hand, as he dangled it above Rauru's head.  
  
"Okay, Okay, but I was hungry! And I swear he didn't put up a fight!" confessed the fat one. "I mean...oh [bleep!]...What I mean to say is...I am the kid"  
  
Link blinked. "Okay...umm...since you're the only kid who's come in here for the past 2 months, I'll believe you." He stuffed the donut in Rauru's mouth, and closed his eyes as the disgusting pig swallowed the thing whole. Navi's muffled voice squeaked out a mere 'Help me! This cow is killing me!", and then Link offered his hand, in which Raury took. But when he pulled, it jerked Link on top of him.  
  
To their misfortune, Zelda just so happened to walk in at the exact moment.  
  
"Erm...if you wanted to be alone, why didn't you lock the-" she started.  
  
"No! It's not like it looks!" cried Link, getting up quickly. "I was just helping him up, and..."  
  
Navi's cries grew silent as Rauru flailed more on the ground.  
  
Zelda gave them a skeptical look. "If I wasn't good, you could've just told me." She then burst into tears and ran out of the room. Sheik then leaned his head inside the doorway and glared at Link, sneering "Jerk."  
  
"[Bleep!]" said Link with much disgust. "We were all set for tonight too...Screw this, you're on your own, fat boy." and with that, Link kicked Rauru in the stomach and headed back to the stone door. He shoved the door open a little wider, then closed it behind him. A piece of yellow fabric still stuck out, and Link opened the door again only to get the robes unstuck.  
  
"No wait!" Rauru flailed his massive body more trying to stop him, but only succeeded in making his green elven costume rip off.  
  
And with that, the scene fades out, and the classical music fades in.  
  
The End?  
  
iWill Rauru ever get up? And what will become of Zelda and her counterpart Sheik? And will Navi live through Raury's weight? R&R, people! Pleasey poofs? I also am wondering if I should continue this.../i 


	2. The Goddesses Step In!

Ahhhh, we're back! And there's plenty more Zelda action coming your way! Link is behind the * magical* stone door waiting for somebody to come get the Master Sword, and Rauru is still stuck helplessly, fat and alone, on the floor. We're thinking he killed Navi. Poor fairy. Let us continue.  
  
"Help!" Rauru cried helplessly for the 57th time. He'd been counting his shouts out of boredom.  
  
Not only was he growing rather cold because the Temple had a terrible draft, but he was hungry. The magic donut Light Sage Link gave him sure didn't work magic for his metabolism.  
  
"Link? Could I have another donut, please?" Raury was on the verge of tears. He felt so humiliated, begging like this.  
  
Link cracked the door open again, a bright green anime-like eye peering at the fat boy in the too-small green elven costume that would've looked great on himself. He read the script...  
  
Scene 24, Page 101 - The Master Sword  
  
Rauru: "And so, I place the sacred Spiritual Stones in thine's place and summon the door to open by playing the majickal tune on mine Ocarina of Time!"  
  
(Dramatic music, magic lighting. Door opens)  
  
Navi: Link, ist not that the-  
  
Rauru: (In astounded wonder) The Master Sword! I hath found it at last! (Pulls from place and 5 minutes later, wakes up 7 years older)  
  
Link: "Alas, Rauru-san, thy art awake. Dost thou feel up to what myself shall tell ye?"  
  
Link chuckled, seeing how they were completely off from where they should be in the story, and wondering why in the world the Nintendo writers wanted them to speak in old English when clearly their time was better spent on Japanese or English. Throwing the script into a magic blue fire glowing in back of him, he made another entrance, thinking "What the hey, we've already screwed over the plot..."  
  
Rauru panted. He would've grinned his lopsided grin seeing Link emerge, but he was too busy trying to catch his breath from all that shouting and flailing stupidly.  
  
Link smirked, seeing the stout monk boy so helpless. He took a step foward, meaning to go taunt Rauru again, but he tripped on the over-sized yellow robe and fell face first on the expensive marble floors.  
  
Rauru couldn't help but laugh. Link tried to look dignified getting back up, but with Rauru's stupid laughter, (you know, the 'hardeeharhar' kind?), he scowled. "It's not funny, you fat imbecile!"  
  
The fat monk shut up.  
  
"Now then, if you really want up, first you must repeat after me."  
  
Raury eagerly nodded. "Okay"  
  
"I, Rauru, of sound mind and glucose-loaded body..." Link started, cracking up a bit at his own humor.  
  
"I, Rauru, of sound mind and glucose-loaded body..." Raury repeated, blushing at Link's harsh joke.  
  
Link thought a moment.  
  
"Do solemnly swear I am a fat monk who eats too much and nobody can say otherwise..."  
  
"Do solemnly swear I am a fat monk who eats too much and nobody can say otherwise..."  
  
"And I pledge allegence to the arse..." Link laughed a bit, coming up with more and more. Rauru dilligently repeated this.  
  
"Of Link, Sage of Light, and his magical donuts. I am forever in his debt, and the debt of his magical food supply. Please feel free to make fun of me for this, as I won't mind..."  
  
"Of Sage, Light of Link, and his donuts of magic...I am in his debt of the food magic and supply forever. Free fun to make mind of me..." Rauru was confused. He had never remembered anything that long before.  
  
"Close enough," Link said. "Now, to get you up..."  
  
Link proceeded to kneel down and get a look as if he were praying.  
  
"What are you doing?" Rauru inquired.  
  
"Praying, you moron, now shut your mouth!" Link snapped.  
  
Suddenly, three bright lights filled the Temple of Time, and the Goddesses themselves came down.  
  
"Link, we have come to your aid...What is it you need?" Din said in her mystical, earthy voice.  
  
"Please, help this poor, underfed-" Link broke up in laughter. He couldn't breathe from the wit of the moment. Thirty seconds later, he recomposed himself, continuing. "Please help this boy up so he may continue his quest, and I may speak with Zelda again about tonight" Link sighed wistfully, and the goddesses pondered this situation carefully.  
  
"Please help me up, Dayrin...Faru...Nin..."  
  
Nayru's aura laughed loudly, and spoke next in a crystal-clear, musical voice. "Boy, you are dumber than a box of dirt. What shall you do for us if we help you?"  
  
Rauru sweated like a pig and shifted uncomfortably. "Never eat another donut as long as I live"  
  
The goddesses cracked up, auras shifting in and out of focus in a fit of giggles.  
  
Farore spoke next, her somewhat-loud sound booming. "Boy, if you did that, you wouldn't live much longer than a few days. But I suppose we can help you for free just this once."  
  
"Girls, this one's gonna take more than just a sprinklin' of pixie dust!" Nayru exclaimed.  
  
The three goddesses retrieved a large garbage sack full of some sort of sparkly sand, and plugged an electrical cord attached to the bag to a socket in the wall.  
  
"Ready, gals? On three, we must chant the incantation!" Din cried. "One...Two...Three!"  
  
Stay tuned for the exciting continuation of this story! 


	3. A surprise guest and the exciting conclu...

At the third count, a young boy with black hair, glasses, and a scar mark in the shape of a lightening bolt popped through the door running and panting. He stopped short of the group, and looked a bit confused. "Wingardium Leviosa?"  
  
The boy frowned and took out some parchment bound by ribbon, obviously an old fashion script.  
  
Harry Focker and the Big Marijuana Bust (Part XXI) By O.K. Rolling  
  
(Harry enters and chants Wingardium Leviosa spell)  
  
Harry Focker: "And so, ye shalt rise!"  
  
Hermie Stranger: "Golly, gee whiz, Harry" * snort * "That's perty neato- spiffy!"  
  
Harry Focker: "Quiet, Hermie, we need silence to make this work!"  
  
Hermie Stranger: "Well garsh, Harry, when did yewwwww become the shmart one?"  
  
Wong Measly: "Well I do say! Shut your bloody hole you bloody fool! Harry, ole chap, is trying to work! As for me, I'm off to the gift shop for some sweets, I do say! Cheerio!"  
  
Harry laughed to himself. What would that Rolling think of next?  
  
"I'm in the wrong studio, aren't I?" Harry said grimly.  
  
Link frowned. "I'm afraid so. What is your name, boy?"  
  
"Harry Focker"  
  
"Ah you should be in the next studio over. Aren't you filming Harry Focker and the Big Marijuana Bust?"  
  
"Yes, yes I am. How'd you know?"  
  
"I'm a big fan of yours, Mr. Focker. Ms. Rolling is ingenious…Say, can I have-"  
  
"Shut up, Link! We have work to do!" Din barked. "Terribly sorry, Sir Focker, but we have our own things to do. Ta-ta!"  
  
Harry Focker waved good-bye with a quick "Cheerio!" and left.  
  
Link sulked. "But I wanted-"  
  
"Shut up, and let us continue!"  
  
The garbage bag glowed when they plugged it in, a magical aura of blue and black. The three Goddesses chanted over and over again:  
  
"Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble"  
  
"Eye of newt and leg stubble,"  
  
"One part sugar, one part sass,  
  
"Lift this fat boy off his ass!"  
  
The bag trembled with energy, and suddenly lifted above Rauru's body and dumped at least 5 pounds of glowing sand on him. Rauru about wet his pants, feeling himself suddenly float.  
  
The Goddesses and Link cheered loudly. Rauru was placed gently on his feet, and he grinned, happy to be up.  
  
The Goddesses vanished in puffs of glittery magic puffs, and Link lifted up his robes, heading to the podium above the Spiritual Stone's stands. He lifted his ocarina to his lips, and played Zelda's Lullaby. He suddenly vanished and Rauru guessed he went to Zelda's castle to beat the shit out of Sheik and get forgiveness from Zelda.  
  
Rauru suddenly knew what he could do. He slowly took out each Spiritual Stone, letting them shine in the light coming from a window high above. They looked almost surreal. Then, stepping to the podium where the gems went, he exclaimed,  
  
"These have GOT to be worth at LEAST 10 boxes of pastries!" and ran-or waddled in his case-out the door.  
  
THE END  
  
Ha! I'm done! I had a lot of fun writing this, and I'm hoping you guys had as much fun reading it! But don't you worry, I'll be back with * possibly * a Harry Focker story, and if you're lucky, a sequel to this story! R/R is very much appreciated. 


End file.
